Ironhide's Guidelines to Living On Earth
by TheUltimateAirbender
Summary: Any Cybertronians out there, want to learn how to live on planet Earth with its inhabitants? Weapon specialist Ironhide has some guidelines for you to follow, enjoy!
1. Chapter 1

**Title: **Ironhide's Guidelines to Living On Earth by xxIronhideForeverxx

**Rating T: **for some suggestive themes and some Cybertronian language

**Characters: **Ironhide and all of the autobots, including the OC characters shown below (From Ironhide's Point of View!)

**Disclaimer: **Firefly belongs to me, Silver belongs to SaphirePhoenix101, Tai belongs to Tatyanna Witwicky, Sophie belongs to ILoveIronhide, and Peaches belongs to MISCrasyaboutfanfics (If you have an OC that you want in this guideline story, just let me know!)

**Genre: **Sci-Fi/Humor

**Story Summary: **Cybertronians, you want to learn how to live on Earth with humans? Weapon specialist Ironhide can help you out! Ironhide has got some rules for you to follow, so enjoy!

* * *

**Chapter 1**

Rule #1: Never allow humans to touch your weapons

(Sam pushed a wrong button on my cannon)

(The blast almost smoked Ratchet)

(I was beyond angry, believe me!)

* * *

Rule #2: After washing your alternate mode, don't let any of the humans near you

(Leo slipped in the mud)

(He ran into me, mud and all)

(Right after I got myself polished!)

(Leo!)

* * *

Rule #3: Never go out during severe Earth weather

(That fragging rain!)

(I had a rust spot on my aft for weeks)

(Skids wouldn't stop laughing when he passed me)

(I finally blew a circuit)

(Skids was silent for a few days, my cannons taught him!)

* * *

Rule #4: Never allow Sam's rodent near me

(He lubricated on me, AGAIN!)

(Optimus told me to stand down)

(Primus, I will get my revenge!)

* * *

Rule #5: If you are going to watch me train, you have to stand at least 10 feet away from me

(Sam was too close)

(I was an inch away from stepping on him)

(Sam freaked out, with his female voice)

(Bumblebee wouldn't let me go near him for days)

(Frag, my ears still hurt!)

* * *

Rule #6: Never allow a human in your room without supervision

(Leo nearly knocked my weapons over)

(I just went out into the hallway!)

(Leo is never allowed in my room to this day)

(Even though he tries to sneak in!)

* * *

Rule #7: Never try to 'sing'

(Mudflap nearly broke every window in the base)

(My communicator was broken for a few hours)

(My ears still hurt to this day!)

(I'm not even going to attempt to do what he did, it will end up with broken glass again!)

* * *

Rule #8: Never ask humans about their reproductive cycle

(Seriously, don't do it!)

(I still twitch every time I think about it)

(I have never seen Ratchet's optics so wide)

(My optics were wide as well, my processor is forever scarred)

* * *

Rule #9: Always go the speed limit on human roads

(I got pulled over)

(I got a ticket, A TICKET!)

(I still have to pay the government, not that I'm going to go that)

(There was a decepticon in the area, how could I help it!)

* * *

Rule #10: Never help young humans with schoolwork

(Sam took advantage of me)

(Every time he doesn't understand something, he comes to me)

(He asked me a question about his health class)

(I don't know anything about human health!)

(That's Ratchet's job!)

* * *

Rule #11: Never get too close to a human when they are not feeling well

(Leo got a human substance all over me!)

(I couldn't believe it, that little glitch!)

(Mikeala wouldn't stop laughing)

(I had to be washed 10 times over)

(That memory is still well in my processor, and it always will be)

* * *

**My End Note: I really hope you liked this chapter! Some of these rules just crack me up! But your opinion matters more, tell me what you think and please review! **


	2. Chapter 2

**Title: **Ironhide's Guidelines to Living On Earth by xxIronhideForeverxx

**Rating T: **for some suggestive themes and some Cybertronian language

**Characters: **Ironhide and all of the autobots, including the OC characters shown below (From Ironhide's Point of View!)

**Disclaimer: **Firefly belongs to me, Silver belongs to SaphirePhoenix101, Tai belongs to Tatyanna Witwicky, Sophie belongs to ILoveIronhide, and Peaches belongs to MISCrasyaboutfanfics (If you have an OC that you want in this guideline story, just let me know!)

**Genre: **Sci-Fi/Humor

**Story Summary: **Cybertronians, you want to learn how to live on Earth with humans? Weapon specialist Ironhide can help you out! Ironhide has got some rules for you to follow, so enjoy!

* * *

**Chapter 2**

Rule #12: Never yell too loud when humans are around

(I was yelling at Skids and little did I know that Major Lennox was in the room)

(He actually passed out from my yelling)

(Ratchet was very angry with me)

(I don't understand humans sometimes, I mean he passed out!

(Passed out!)

* * *

Rule #13: Don't EVER make fun of my old age

(Leo wouldn't stop calling me an 'old fart;)

(I looked up that term on the World Wide Web)

(That's all I'm going to tell you what happened)

(I'm a very violent autobot, it's the way I am)

(And besides, with old age comes great wisdom!)

(Remeber that Leo!)

* * *

Rule #14: Never drive your alternate mode when you're inside the base

(Jazz came speeding into the training room)

(I had to grab Sam and Mikaela and move them out of the way)

(There's still a huge dent in the training room wall)

(Bumblebee and Optimus were not pleased with Jazz)

(Neither was I!)

* * *

Rule #15: Never try to teach humans how to work weapons unless they're qualified to

(I gave an aiming lesson to Mikaela, Sam, and Leo)

(Leo shot the weapon at the wrong time)

(The bullet hit me on the shoulder!)

(Now, every time I see Leo with a weapon, I take it from him)

* * *

Rule #16: Never watch romance movies with humans

(It's not entertaining to see humans "kiss" one another)

(Mikaela was in what humans call "lala land")

(Ratchet actually walked out of the room)

(I did the same)

(Followed by Optimus)

* * *

Rule #17: When driving with humans, never let them choose the song

(Sideswipe kept asking Sam what a "disco stick" was)

(Sam told him)

(I have never seen Sideswipe's optics so large)

(My processor has forever been scarred!)

(Again!)

* * *

Rule #18: Never let humans 'roller blade' in the base

(Sam nearly fell face-first on my foot)

(He was very close to breaking his jaw)

(I was the one who forbid it)

(Even though Leo never listens to my rules!)

(He ended up breaking his foot)

(He got what he deserved!)

* * *

Rule #19: During a holiday that humans call 'Independence Day' don't feel alarmed or threatened by the fireworks

(Sunstreaker was very alarmed when he saw colors in the sky)

(He thought decepticons were attacking)

(I moved everyone inside)

(There were no decepticons, those fragging fireworks!)

* * *

Rule #20: Never frighten a human while you're holding them

(Leo and I were yelling at one another while I held him in my hand)

(When I yelled at him rather loudly, I felt some sort of liquid on my hand)

(Leo actually lubricated on me!)

(I thought Sam's rodent was bad enough!)

* * *

Rule #21: Never drive too fast while you have a human passenger

(Sam asked me if I could slow down, a few times)

(I didn't listen to him)

(I regret not listening to him)

(I couldn't believe the substance that came out of him)

(It wasn't pleasant!)

* * *

Rule #22: Never awake humans while they're recharging

(Lennox woke up yelling)

(All I did was poke him!)

(Optimus wasn't pleased with me)

(Lennox still glares at me when he sits on his berth)

(I glare right back at him!)

* * *

**My End Note: I ****hoped you liked this chapter of ****more Ironhide madness! Please review and thanks for reading! **


	3. Chapter 3

**Title: **Ironhide's Guidelines to Living On Earth by xxIronhideForeverxx

**Rating T: **for some suggestive themes and some Cybertronian language

**Characters: **Ironhide and all of the autobots, including the OC characters shown below (From Ironhide's Point of View!)

**Disclaimer: **Firefly belongs to me, Silver belongs to SaphirePhoenix101, Tai belongs to Tatyanna Witwicky, Sophie belongs to ILoveIronhide, and Peaches belongs to MISCrasyaboutfanfics (If you have an OC that you want in this guideline story, just let me know!)

**Genre: **Sci-Fi/Humor

**Story Summary: **Cybertronians, you want to learn how to live on Earth with humans? Weapon specialist Ironhide can help you out! Ironhide has got some rules for you to follow, so enjoy!

* * *

**Chapter 3**

Rule #23: Never play a prank on humans

(Bumblebee was outside Sam's house and announced that decepticons were attacking)

(Sam screamed extremely loudly and called me on my com-link)

(I wasn't happy when I came and found out there were no decepticons attacking)

(Bumblebee was very embarrassed)

(He will longer play any pranks!)

(Not, that, I, have, played, any, pranks, before)

* * *

Rule #24: Never try to explain the birth of sparklings to humans

(They just won't get it!)

(My processor still hurts!)

* * *

Rule #25: Never try to teach Cybertronian to humans

(I spent hours on one word!)

(They still don't know how to say it!)

(The word was just my name!)

(Is that really hard?)

(I think not!)

* * *

Rule #26: Never give Tai sugar of any kind

(I'm not going to tell you what happened!)

(Some very scary things occured)

(Her dad [Optimus] was very un-happy)

(So was I!)

* * *

Rule #27: Never allow the humans 'sing' a certain type of singing called 'opera'

(Leo sung extremely loudly)

(And rather high for a male)

(I thought he was having a mental breakdown)

(I got Ratchet)

(Ratchet almost lost his auto receptors)

(The twins were hysterically laughing)

(My, ears, still, terribly, hurt)

* * *

Rule #28: Never EVER awake me while I'm recharging

(This is a rule you MUST follow)

(Leo and Tai came running into my room)

(They started to sing!)

(I finally blew it!)

(I'm an old bot, I need my time to recharge!)

(They still glare at me)

(I give them the death stare)

(I love my death stares!)

* * *

Rule #29: Never allow humans have any kind sugar

(Not just Tai, every human!)

(Leo kept running into me)

(Jazz was surprised at how fast he was running around the entire base)

(I suggested that I knock him out)

(Optimus didn't like that idea)

(Everyone kills my joy!)

* * *

Rule #30: Never take humans to the 'candy store'

(This goes along with the no sugar rule)

(Tai came out of the store with a huge bag of candy)

(I thought she would have a spark attack!)

(I'm not going to tell you what happened next)

(Again, very scary things)

* * *

Rule #31: Never insult a human about the clothes they wear

(I told Mikaela that she was wearing an un-good looking shirt)

(Well, it was showing her stomach!)

(Aren't humans supposed to wear clothes that cover that part of their body?)

(She still glares at me whenever she wears that same shirt)

(I know that the humans call me bulky or "fat" behind my back)

(So I get them right back!)

(I'm awesome and never deny it!)

* * *

Rule #32: Never try to play human video games

(Skids and Mudflap became addicted to it)

(They missed their training lesson with me, twice!)

(I finally broke the television with my cannons)

(The humans were not pleased with me)

(Video games are terrible for your processor, don't try it!)

* * *

Rule #33: Never watch a human television show called 'SpongeBob Squarepants'

(I have had enough of that show!)

(Jazz kept putting on the song "I'm a goofy goober")

(That song is still in my processor!)

(Skids and Mudflap wouldn't stop saying "I'm ready, I'm ready!)

(I finally blew it and shouted, "I'm ready to knock you senseless!")

(And that I did!)

* * *

**My End Note: Thanks for reading this chapter and please review! Again, Ironhide shows off his awesome style, Go 'Hide!**

**Rule Suggestions: Thanks to Tatyanna Witwicky for the last rule, rule #33!**


	4. Chapter 4

**Title: **Ironhide's Guidelines to Living On Earth by xxIronhideForeverxx

**Rating T: **for some suggestive themes and some Cybertronian language

**Characters: **Ironhide and all of the autobots, including the OC characters shown below (From Ironhide's Point of View!)

**Disclaimer: **Firefly belongs to me, Silver belongs to SaphirePhoenix101, Tai belongs to Tatyanna Witwicky, Sophie belongs to ILoveIronhide, and Peaches belongs to MISCrasyaboutfanfics (If you have an OC that you want in this guideline story, just let me know!)

**Genre: **Sci-Fi/Humor

**Story Summary: **Cybertronians, you want to learn how to live on Earth with humans? Weapon specialist Ironhide can help you out! Ironhide has got some rules for you to follow, so enjoy!

* * *

**Chapter 4**

Rule #34: For the humans, never fake feeling un-well unless you are really not feeling well

(Sam told Ratchet he was going to 'throw up')

(I quickly backed away from him)

(Ratchet took Sam to the med bay)

(For a few days)

(Sam wasn't even sick!)

* * *

Rule #35: Also for the humans, never come into the base with a costume on without letting one of us know

(Sam came in with a "bloody" costume on)

(Tai feel on the floor laughing)

(My optics grew very large)

(I indented on blaming the twins)

(For once, it wasn't them)

(Ratchet acutally passed out!)

(I have never seen Bumblebee so frightened!)

* * *

Rule #36: Never damage the humans' television

(I broke their television when no one was listening to me)

(The humans still give me evil stares)

(They also give my cannons stares)

(My cannons are not to be stared at!)

(I deserve to be listened to and respected!)

(I am an old bot after all!)

* * *

Rule #37: NEVER EVER touch my cannons

(You have to follow this rule!)

(Leo touched them)

(Some very bad things happened to him)

(Because he wouldn't listen to me!)

(Just DON'T touch them!)

* * *

Rule #38: Never jump around while humans are present

(Jazz kept jumping up and down to his music)

(The humans started to all scream and fall to the floor)

(I smacked Jazz on the head several times to get him to stop)

(Tai was hysterical laughing)

(Even when she fell on her aft!)

(Humans can be very strange, I tell you!)

* * *

Rule #39: Never challenge a human to a race

(You will most likely win)

(Sunstreaker was laughing in Leo's face when he won)

(Jazz laughed and fell on his aft)

(I couldn't help but chuckle)

(Humans can be sore losers)

(Not, that, I'm, One,)

* * *

Rule #40: Never bring any human rodents to the base

(This includes Sam's rodent)

(I don't need more rodents lubricating on me!)

(You don't want see me when I'm really angry!)

(The twins will even tell you that)

(My angriness is not a good influence!)

(I have warned you!)

* * *

Rule #41: Never stare at me for a long period of time

(Sam wouldn't stop looking at me)

(After a while, I told him to stop)

(Humans listen real well!)

(Everyone in the base heard Sam's screaming and my cursing)

* * *

Rule #42: Never fall into your recharge cycle with a human beside you

(I was in recharge and little did I know Mikeala was right beside me)

(She started to scream when I rolled closer to her)

(Her screaming awakened immediately)

(My processor was sore for a few hours)

(Optimus just shook his head at me)

(I'm old and sometimes I can't help but fall asleep!)

* * *

Rule #43: Never get me angry

(Again, Leo touched my cannons!)

(Again!)

(I was very angry, believe me!)

(Leo learned a life lesson)

(Well, he better have anyway!)

* * *

Rule #44: Never over-train humans

(Humans have small bodies)

(They just can't take it)

(Lennox got very tired after a while)

(He actually passed out!)

(I was trying to teach him a lesson on weight lifting)

(I didn't know he would pass out!)

* * *

Rule #45: Never bother Ratchet when he's at work in the med bay

(Leo kept bothering Ratchet when he was working on my wounds)

(I tried to hold in my anger)

(Ratchet didn't)

(Leo wouldn't go near Ratchet for a few days)

(My violence influences everyone!)

* * *

Rule #46: When Tai is what humans call "PMSing" keep Skids and Mudflap away from her

(Tai will get very violent!)

(The twins are actually scared of her)

(Her violence comes from me)

(Go Tai!)

* * *

**My End Note: I hope you enjoyed reading another chapter of Ironhide and all his awesome rules! So, thanks for reading and please review!**

**Rule Suggestions: The last rule, rule #46 was made by Tatyanna Witwicky, so thanks!**


	5. Chapter 5

**Title: **Ironhide's Guidelines to Living On Earth by xxIronhideForeverxx

**Rating T: **for some suggestive themes and some Cybertronian language

**Characters: **Ironhide and all of the autobots, including the OC characters shown below (From Ironhide's Point of View!)

**Disclaimer: **Firefly belongs to me, Silver belongs to SaphirePhoenix101, Tai belongs to Tatyanna Witwicky, Sophie belongs to ILoveIronhide, and Peaches belongs to MISCrasyaboutfanfics (If you have an OC that you want in this guideline story, just let me know!)

**Genre: **Sci-Fi/Humor

**Story Summary: **Cybertronians, you want to learn how to live on Earth with humans? Weapon specialist Ironhide can help you out! Ironhide has got some rules for you to follow, so enjoy!

* * *

**Chapter 5**

Rule #47: Never blast the sound system in the base

(I was training when the sound system was blasted)

(It was a song called "It's a small world")

(I get annoyed very easily!)

(Leo should have known better!)

(He is still glares at me)

(I still give him death stares!)

* * *

Rule #48: Never call me 'Hide

(I just don't like that nickname!)

(It's the same as Sam not wanting to be called 'Samuel')

(Sam calls me 'Hide anyway)

(So I call him 'Samuel')

(And he hates it)

(Now he knows how I feel!)

* * *

Rule #49: Never curse when Annabelle visits the base

(This is a rule I'm still trying to follow)

(Annabelle has learned some of my curse words)

(She called her dad a "motor head")

(In Cybertronian, that isn't a word you should say)

(Lennox blamed me)

(I hate being blamed for something!)

* * *

Rule #50: Never jump into what the Earthlings call "the ocean"

(Jazz told me I was a "scaredy bot" for not wanting to go in)

(After a while, I gave in)

(I created a tidal wave)

(All the humans got soaked)

(Along with everyone else)

(Optimus and Ratchet were not pleased with me)

(I hate rust!)

* * *

Rule #51: Never stay out in the Earth's sun for a long period of time

(Mikaela came into the base with a "sunburn")

(She screamed when I gently touched the burn)

(I was being gentle!)

(It wouldn't go away for weeks)

(Nor would she allow me touch the burn for weeks)

(I thought humans were smarter than that!)

(I was very wrong!)

* * *

Rule #52: Never shout, "There's a decepticon!" unless you really mean it

(Miles was visiting the base)

(He started shouting "decepticon, decepticon!")

(I ran into the room with both cannons charged)

(There were no decepticons!)

(I made him leave the base)

(That's serious business!)

* * *

Rule #53: Never scratch Sunstreaker's paint job

(Sam ran a black pen down Sunstreaker's door when he was recharging)

(Two hours later, he awoke)

(When he saw the scratches in his door, he was livid!)

(Sam ran and hid for a few hours)

(Sunstreaker's cursing was heard throughout the whole base!)

* * *

Rule #54: When Optimus is in government meetings, never call him on his com link

(Tai should have known better!)

(Sure Optimus is her father)

(But still!)

(Optimus was not pleased with her after that)

(Tai just laughed when Optimus wasn't looking)

(Very awkward)

* * *

Rule #55: Roadkill is not a joke, it is serious business

(Roadkill is very dangerous)

(Not just for the Earth creature but for you also)

(Skids ran into an Earth creature called a 'deer')

(He couldn't move for a few hours)

(He was busted up really bad)

(Ratchet was not pleased with him)

(But the deer had a different story)

(Skids is such a glitch!)

* * *

Rule #56: Never bother me when I'm training

(Tai and Leo came up to me when I was practicing my aim)

(They asked if they could watch me)

(I said yes)

(That was a mistake I will never make again!)

(Humans can be very rough with one another!)

* * *

**My End Note: Thanks again for the great reviews, so please review and thanks for reading! This is Ironhide again in all his glory!**

**Rule Suggestions: Rule #55 was an idea from ****Diinya-chan, so thanks!**


	6. Chapter 6

**Title: **Ironhide's Guidelines to Living On Earth by xxIronhideForeverxx

**Rating T: **for some suggestive themes and some Cybertronian language

**Characters: **Ironhide and all of the autobots, including the OC characters shown below (From Ironhide's Point of View!)

**Disclaimer: **Firefly belongs to me, Silver belongs to SaphirePhoenix101, Tai belongs to Tatyanna Witwicky, Sophie belongs to ILoveIronhide, and Peaches belongs to MISCrasyaboutfanfics (If you have an OC that you want in this guideline story, just let me know!)

**Genre: **Sci-Fi/Humor

**Story Summary: **Cybertronians, you want to learn how to live on Earth with humans? Weapon specialist Ironhide can help you out! Ironhide has got some rules for you to follow, so enjoy!

* * *

**Chapter 6**

Rule #57: Never play a prank on Ratchet

(Leo told Ratchet that he had a broken leg)

(He was "limping" around the whole base)

(Ratchet flipped out!)

(Only to find out that Leo was playing a trick on him)

(Ratchet got very angry)

(I don't blame him!)

(Leo has got to learn sooner or later!)

* * *

Rule #58: Never EVER dent or scratch my cannons

(This goes along with the 'don't touch my cannons rule!')

(Miles was visiting the base again)

(He came up to my cannons and ran a pen down the side of them)

(Little did he know that I was watching him the entire time)

(I gave a very violent discussion to him about don't touch my cannons!)

(Primus, when will humans learn!)

* * *

Rule #59: Always watch where you are going on human roadways

(Mudflap was speeding on a busy human road)

(He didn't notice the little girl walking in front of him)

(I had to activate my holoform and move her out of the way!)

(I was very angry with Mudflap)

(That situation could have turned out worse than the deer situation!)

* * *

Rule #60: Never place human food substances inside of my cannons

(Little did I know that food was placed in my cannons)

(I went out to battle without even knowing!)

(The decepticons laughed at me when I couldn't fire my cannons)

(Finally, I got my cannons to fire)

(But when it did, a human candy called "nerds" came flying out everywhere!)

(The decepticons had fallen on their afts laughing and I retreated)

(I never retreat!)

* * *

Rule #61: Never quote my sentences or sayings

(Every time Leo sees Simmons, he says, "you feeling lucky punk?")

(That's my line!)

(He also says "he's here, I smell him" when Sam's rodent comes to the base)

(Leo needs to learn to create his own sayings!)

(Not steal mine!)

* * *

Rule #62: The following human television shows are banned from the base; 'Naruto, Bleach, Inuyasha, Full-Metal Alchemist', and any shows involving anything with giant swords

(Sideswipe tried to do what the dog demon human called a "Wind Scar")

(He broke the human television!)

(That's the third time this week!)

(Sam and Leo were very angry)

(I was also!)

(Skids and Mudflap wouldn't stop saying "Believe It!" and tried to throw "ninja stars")

(They scratched my cannons!)

(You probably know what happens next)

* * *

Rule #63: These human television shows are also banned from the base; 'Criminal Minds, NCIS, Law and Order, House, and Heroes'

(Jazz tried to profile all the new recruits that came to Earth)

(It didn't help that he was accurate on a lot of them)

(House is not to be seen by Ratchet!)

(House may be a hilarious show to humans but it gives bots like Ratchet bad ideas!)

(I won't even say what the twins did after seeing "Heroes")

(Some scary things occurred!)

(Sam and Leo are still hiding from them)

(Poor earthlings)

* * *

Rule #64: Never let Tai and Jazz be alone in the same room

(I'm not going to tell you what happened)

(Optimus no longer allows Jazz and her to be alone)

(It's a good thing he doesn't!)

* * *

Rule #65: Never play any pranks on Galloway

(Unfortunately, I have to follow this rule)

(But sometimes, I feel like shooting that pest with my cannons!)

(Optimus tells me he's not a pest and should be respected)

(He will never earn my respect after aiming his weapons at me!)

(One day I will terminate that pest!)

(I will get my revenge!)

* * *

Rule #66: Never listen to human singers named "Beyoncé or Lady GaGa"

(Female singing voices are very irritating to your auto receptors!)

(Never tell Mikaela I said that)

(And some of their songs are very disturbing to me)

(What the frag is a halo?)

* * *

**My End Note: There's Ironhide again and his awesome must-followed rules! I hope you enjoyed this chapter and please review!**

**Rule Suggestions: Rule #'s 60, 65, and 66 are ideas from ****MISCrasyaboutfanfics, Rule #'s 62 and 63 are ideas from Prophet-of-Worlds**

**Thanks for the ideas and thanks for reading!**


	7. Chapter 7

**Title: **Ironhide's Guidelines to Living On Earth by xxIronhideForeverxx

**Rating T: **for some suggestive themes and some Cybertronian language

**Characters: **Ironhide and all of the autobots, including the OC characters shown below (From Ironhide's Point of View!)

**Disclaimer: **Firefly belongs to me, Silver belongs to SaphirePhoenix101, Tai belongs to Tatyanna Witwicky, Sophie belongs to ILoveIronhide, and Peaches belongs to MISCrasyaboutfanfics (If you have an OC that you want in this guideline story, just let me know!)

**Genre: **Sci-Fi/Humor

**Story Summary: **Cybertronians, you want to learn how to live on Earth with humans? Weapon specialist Ironhide can help you out! Ironhide has got some rules for you to follow, so enjoy!

* * *

**Chapter 7**

Rule #67: Never play a human game called "football" with humans

(Skids and Mudflap decided to join the human's game)

(That was a vey wrong idea!)

(Skids nearly fell on top of Sam)

(Bumblebee ran up and smacked Skids really hard in the face)

(Serves him right!)

(Skids asked for my support on that one)

(He didn't get a drop of support from me and he never will!)

* * *

Rule #68: Never test Bumblebee's guardianship of Sam

(Jolt decided to hide Sam from Bumblebee)

(Well, Bumblebee wasn't doing his job)

(I didn't join in, but I was thinking about it)

(Bumblebee was running around the base looking for Sam like crazy)

(After a while, I had enough of hearing Sam's name being called)

(My ears still hurt!)

(So I gave Sam's hiding spot away)

(Jolt was silent for a few days)

(Well, he asked for it!)

* * *

Rule #69: Never get involved with Earth wildlife

(I was sitting outside, resting when something landed on my shoulder)

(It was what humans call a "bird")

(I was very tempted to knock it off of my shoulder)

(Mikaela wouldn't let me)

(In the end, it lubricated on me!)

(What is with earth creatures and lubricating!)

(On me!)

(What did I ever do to them!)

* * *

Rule #70: Never ask what human food is made of

(I asked Leo what was inside something called "Jell-O")

(He told me that it was mostly all sugar)

(I searched the rest of the ingredients on the Internet)

(I was utterly shocked!)

(I never let humans eat "Jell-O" in my presence now)

(Leo isn't fond of that rule)

(Well, if he wants to live in peace with me, he better follow my rules!)

(Or we will have a serious problem!)

* * *

Rule #71: Never try and swim in any source of water

(Water causes terrible rust!)

(I should have told Sunstreaker that)

(He jumped into a large lake that the humans were swimming in)

(When he exited the lake, he was drenched)

(And full of mud)

(Not to mention the rust he sustained for weeks)

(Well, he'll know better next time around)

(Let's hope so anyway!)

* * *

Rule #72: Never try and lean up against a 'tree'

(I just wanted to rest in a field!)

(I leaned up against a large tree)

(That was a wrong mistake)

(I knocked the tree down in an instant)

(Lennox and Leo laughed for hours)

(What's so funny about that situation?)

(Nothing!)

(Humans confuse me)

* * *

Rule #73: Never allow humans go what they call "streaking"

(We robots don't wear clothes)

(We wear armor plating)

(But that doesn't mean we look good without it on!)

(Because we don't!)

(At all!)

(That's all I will say)

* * *

Rule #74: Never watch a human television show called "Brain Surge"

(That show gets on my nerves!)

(And that means never watch it while I'm around!)

(Skids and Mudflap won't stop saying "The Brain Drain")

(They say it at the same time the host says it!)

(That's what you call annoying!)

(Tai dumped green slime all over Galloway while he was recharging)

(I laughed very hard when I found out)

(For once, I wasn't the one who played a trick on him!)

* * *

Rule #75: Never ask the question "Why" over and over again

(Tai would not stop asking why!)

(She was just saying it for the fun of it)

(That gets on my nerves very quickly!)

(She kept asking "why" when I was target practicing)

(I was just trying to practice!)

(Now, unless the question is necessary, no one asks it)

(Especially in my presence!)

(And especially when I have my cannons charged!)

* * *

**My End Note: I hope you enjoyed this chapter, so please review!**

**Rule Suggestions: Rule #'s 73 and 74 are ideas from MISCrasyaboutfanfics, Rule #75 was an idea from Tatyanna Witwicky's guideline story!**

**Thanks for the ideas and thanks for reading!**


	8. Chapter 8

**Title: **Ironhide's Guidelines to Living On Earth by xxIronhideForeverxx

**Rating T: **for some suggestive themes and some Cybertronian language

**Characters: **Ironhide and all of the autobots, including the OC characters shown below (From Ironhide's Point of View!)

**Disclaimer: **Firefly belongs to me, Silver belongs to SaphirePhoenix101, Tai belongs to Tatyanna Witwicky, Sophie belongs to ILoveIronhide, and Peaches belongs to MISCrasyaboutfanfics (If you have an OC that you want in this guideline story, just let me know!)

**Genre: **Sci-Fi/Humor

**Story Summary: **Cybertronians, you want to learn how to live on Earth with humans? Weapon specialist Ironhide can help you out! Ironhide has got some rules for you to follow, so enjoy!

* * *

**Chapter 8**

Rule #86: Never begin 'dancing' while other bots are training

(Skids and Mudflap started to blast music)

(They began to dance around)

(Jazz joined in)

(So did the humans)

(I was trying to train!)

(Firefly was completely silent)

(She was also trying to train!)

(I can never get a good training session in these past few weeks!)

(All thanks to the humans)

(And the twins)

* * *

Rule #87: Never ask how old one of us bots are

(Leo went around the base asking every bot)

(Sideswipe and Sunstreaker said that they were younger than me, but older than Bumblebee)

(They also called me an old slagger)

(What a bunch of glitches!)

(When asked by Leo, I growled at him)

(I said nothing but curses)

(He should have known better than to ask!)

(The twins still need to be taught a lesson)

* * *

Rule #88: When you hear wildlife sounds during the night, don't be alarmed and think a decepticon is outside

(Bumblebee woke up the entire base with his battle mask on)

(He said he heard a sound from outside)

(I ran outside, cannons and all)

(Along with everyone else behind me)

(Only to hear an animal called an 'owl')

(I was not pleased with Bumblebee)

(All the humans were hysterically laughing)

(The poor young bot was embrassed)

(I even laughed)

(Only, a, little)

* * *

Rule #89: Never steal Sophie's weapons or my cannons

(Sunstreaker thought it would be a funny joke)

(Sideswipe was even laughing)

(Me and Sophie weren't)

(Those twins got what they deserved!)

(Me and Sophie know how to handle those two)

* * *

Rule #90: On a human holiday called 'Halloween' never dress up like a decepticon

(Skids and Mudflap dressed up as Barricade and Sideways)

(I have never seen Leo run out of the room so fast)

(Tai ran after Leo laughing)

(Me and Firefly were laughing hyisterically)

(Sophie was laughing with us)

(They were very embrassed after that situation)

(I have never laughed so hard in my life!)

* * *

Rule #91: Never bother Sunstreaker and Sideswipe while they are playing their 'video games'

(Tai wouldn't stop going in front of the television and blocking their view)

(After a while, the twins got annoyed)

(They began to tackle each other!)

(Each other!)

(What's with that?)

(Tai was on the floor laughing)

(All the other bots just stared)

(And stared)

(And stared)

* * *

Rule #92: During a human holiday called 'Christmas' never bring a 'Christmas Tree' to the base

(The trees are highly flammable)

(The twins wouldn't stop arguing the entire day!)

(It drove everyone out of their processors!)

(They didn't notice the tree sitting in the middle of the room)

(Well, the tree, went into flames)

(Everyone was extreamly upset)

(I was more angry than upset)

(You cannot bring trees to the base anymore with those two around!)

* * *

Rule #93: Never bother Firefly when she is in her recharge cycle

(Leo went into her room and turned up some loud music)

(Humans call it the 'worse song ever created')

(It's called 'It's a small world after all')

(Firefly may have a kind spark)

(But she's just like me when she's angry)

(She is my daughter after all)

* * *

Rule #94: Never ask Sam's father what 'Independence Day' is

(He would not stop talking!)

(I mean that when I say it!)

(My processor still hurts!)

* * *

**My End Note: Thanks for all the great reviews, I'm glad people are enjoying my story! I hope you liked this chapter with new characters and Ironhide sure is a great bot, only when he's not angry! **

**Rule Suggestions: Rule #'s 90, 92, and 94 are ideas from Prophet-of-words, Rule #89 was an idea from ILoveIronhide**

**Thanks for the ideas, keep them coming!**


	9. Chapter 9

**Title: **Ironhide's Guidelines to Living On Earth by xxIronhideForeverxx

**Rating T: **for some suggestive themes and some Cybertronian language

**Characters: **Ironhide and all of the autobots, including the OC characters shown below (From Ironhide's Point of View!)

**Disclaimer: **Firefly belongs to me, Silver belongs to SaphirePhoenix101, Tai belongs to Tatyanna Witwicky, Sophie belongs to ILoveIronhide, and Peaches belongs to MISCrasyaboutfanfics (If you have an OC that you want in this guideline story, just let me know!)

**Genre: **Sci-Fi/Humor

**Story Summary: **Cybertronians, you want to learn how to live on Earth with humans? Weapon specialist Ironhide can help you out! Ironhide has got some rules for you to follow, so enjoy!

* * *

**Chapter 9**

Rule #95: When snowed in at the base, never bother me

(I get very grumpy when everyone is snowed in)

(Sophie and Firefly will even tell you that)

(That fragging precipitation had us snowed in for days!)

(The twins played some pranks on a certain bot)

(They pranked me!)

(They will NEVER learn!)

* * *

Rule #96: Never leave Skids and Mudflap alone with the humans and younger femmes

(Poor Firefly and Silver)

(The twins had played pranks on the both of them)

(Very un-kind pranks if I do say so myself)

(They didn't get the twins back)

(Both of them didn't want to get in trouble)

(I made those twins pay later on!)

(No one messes with my daughter and her friend!)

* * *

Rule #97: Never play a prank on Leo

(You will most likely get in trouble by Optimus)

(I know Tai did)

(She tried to 'paint' Leo's face while he was recharging)

(Leo immedatley woke up and went to her dad)

(That was a very wrong move for Tai)

(She got grounded by Optimus)

(Poor girl)

* * *

Rule #98: Never watch horror movies unless you want to be frightened out of your processor for a long period of time

(After seeing a movie called 'One Missed Call', Sunstreaker has refused to use his communicator)

(Bumblebee said he had 'nightmares' for weeks)

(Sam and Leo laughed when he heard the other bots were scared for some time)

(My poor daughter)

(Firefly couldn't recharge for days)

(I have forbidden my daughter to ever see that movie again)

(Along with everyone else)

(But Leo listens real well!)

* * *

Rule #99: Never ask Sideswipe to show you some of his battle movements if you are too close to him

(Lennox nearly got knocked out by Sideswipe's battle blades)

(Sideswipe must be careful!)

(He could have easily killed Lennox!)

(Sideswipe felt terrible for causing Lennox to almost pass out)

(Lennox is fine now)

(Well, physically fine)

* * *

Rule #100: When playing a game with anyone in the base, never cheat

(Skids and Mudflap don't understand the sentence, don't cheat!)

(Every game they play, they cheat any way they can!)

(In video games, they search cheats off of the World Wide Web)

(Silver and Firefly have had enough of their cheating)

(Now, whenever the twins want to play a game with those two, they immdeatly say no)

(Well, the twins need to learn!)

(Even though that's utterly impossible!)

* * *

Rule #101: When driving with me in my alternate mode, never ask 'Are we there yet' over and over again

(Tai wouldn't stop asking "Are we there yet?")

(I was trying to drive in Earth percepitation!)

(I couldn't go any faster then I was!)

(After a while, I seriously annoyed)

(Optimus had to take Tai in his own alernate mode after I had gotten annoyed)

(Why must humans annoy us?)

* * *

Rule #102: If you plan to challenge Sophie to an aiming contest, be prepared to loose

(She won a challenge against Sunstreaker)

(Sunstreaker was utterly shocked)

(As well as jealous)

(Now, whenever he has spare time, he asks Sophie to the same challenge)

(And she wins every time)

(Suntreaker just won't give up!)

(Ever!)

* * *

Rule #103: Never mess with my daughter or Silver

(Skids wouldn't leave them alone!)

(He kept saying that the two femmes were very "hot")

(Silver was extreamly mad!)

(As well as Firefly!)

(I have never seen my daughter so angry)

(Everyone in the base had seen the never-ending chase between the two femmes and Skids)

(I just laughed, very hard)

(He sure got what deserved in the end!)

* * *

Rule #104: When the Earth weather is what the humans call 'thunderstorming' never go outside

(That is a very wrong mistake)

(Bumblebee learned the hard way)

(He came in soaked in 'rain water')

(And he had gotten zapped by 'lightning')

(Sam and Mikaela wouldn't stop laughing)

(Ratchet was not pleased when Bumblebee's circuts were fired)

(Let's hope that the young bot will know better the next time around)

(Well, hopefully)

* * *

**My End Note: Yay, 100 rules! There is Ironhide again with the rest of the autobots! Giving off his rules of glory! Hope you enjoyed this chapter and please review, thanks for reading!**

**Rule Suggestions: Rule #95 is an idea from MISCrasyaboutfanfics!**

**Thanks for the ideas and keep them coming! **


	10. Chapter 10

**Title: **Ironhide's Guidelines to Living On Earth by xxIronhideForeverxx

**Rating T: **for some suggestive themes and some Cybertronian language

**Characters: **Ironhide and all of the autobots, including the OC characters shown below (From Ironhide's Point of View!)

**Disclaimer: **Firefly belongs to me, Silver belongs to SaphirePhoenix101, Tai belongs to Tatyanna Witwicky, Sophie belongs to ILoveIronhide, and Peaches belongs to MISCrasyaboutfanfics (If you have an OC that you want in this guideline story, just let me know!)

**Genre: **Sci-Fi/Humor

**Story Summary: **Cybertronians, you want to learn how to live on Earth with humans? Weapon specialist Ironhide can help you out! Ironhide has got some rules for you to follow, so enjoy!

* * *

**Chapter 10**

Rule #105: When there is a 'blackout' in the electricity system, never frighten any of the humans

(Mudflap went up behind Leo in the pitch black)

(He poked him and laughed an evil laugh)

(I have never heard Leo scream so loud!)

(My ears are still sore!)

(Optimus was very un-pleased)

(I just wanted his screaming to cease!)

* * *

Rule #106: Never ask me for tips on how to 'hit' on my daughter

(Sunstreaker asked me)

(He got my cannon straight in his face!)

(He deserved it!)

* * *

Rule #107: Never shout to any of the humans, "It's Megatron!"

(Sam flipped out!)

(Sideswipe was laughing hysterically)

(Sam disappeared for a few hours)

(I was very angry with Sideswipe)

(Along with Bumblebee)

(He shouldn't have told Sam that!)

(For once, I felt bad for the boy)

* * *

Rule #108: Don't give Peaches, our recent Pretender recruit, sugar treats when she is in her human form

(She likes the sugary food just as much as she loves the food her Cybertronian name translates to)

(Her name translates to the human fruit called 'peaches')

(She once ate many pieces of candy called 'milky ways')

(She threw up!)

(She also ate human foods called, 'recces cups, donuts', and also 4 cans of 'coca-cola' in a row!)

(That's what I call a spark attack!)

* * *

Rule #109: Never let Sam listen to a song called, "Boom-Boom Pow" in my presence

(I will take it very literally!)

(It will result in a destroyed building or room)

(I sometimes can't control my anger!)

(In the song, Sam will heard the word, "Cybertron")

(He will loose his mind!)

(Literally!)

(Ratchet will then have to do a test scan on him)

(It will most likely turn out loud)

(Again, I will get angry!)

(You probably know how this will end)

* * *

Rule #110: Never listen to a song called, "Evacuate The Dance Floor"

(That song is extremely irritating!)

(The voice is too loud to my ears!)

(When the song says, "I'm infected by the sound" Ratchet will take it too literally)

(He makes the said bot or human have many test scans)

(That song is no longer allowed in my presence)

* * *

Rule #111: Never play any songs from something called, 'Animanics'

(They aren't even the States, Capitals, and Nations of the World songs!)

(They are meant to be 'educational')

(But they aren't!)

(All of those songs extremely irritate me!)

(To my limit!)

(All thanks to Sam, Tai, and a few others, I have found myself hating those songs!)

(When will my suffering end?)

* * *

Rule #112: Never EVER hit on my daughter

(At least when I'm not two feet away from her!)

(Suntreaker)

(Sideswipe)

(Jolt)

(Jazz)

(And all the other single mechs who hit on my daughter!)

* * *

Rule #113: While in government meetings, never start to laugh for no reason

(Tai burst out laughing for no reason at all!)

(She got stares from everyone in the room)

(Especially from her father, Optimus)

(I was just silent)

(She was removed from the meeting)

(Well, she has to learn!)

(Eventually)

* * *

Rule #114: On a human television channel called, "Nickelodeon" all the game shows on that channel are now banned

(It's just not the show called 'Brainsurge' that involves green slime)

(Every time someone says "I don't know" to Skids or Mudflap, they will get 'slimed')

(I finally went after them)

(Well, they never bothered me again *smirks*)

(Everyone else, not so much)

* * *

Rule #115: When training with Sophie, never ask her questions repeatedly

(Leo kept asking her about her weapons)

(Questions such as, "How much do they weigh?")

(Or, "Can I touch them?")

(Sophie will get very frustrated!)

(Eventually she'll go after you)

(Leo was taught well!)

* * *

Rule #116: When Silver and Firefly are relaxing in the recreation room, never turn up loud music

(Leo should have known better!)

(The two femmes had a long day and were exhausted)

(Leo made everything worse for the two)

(It wasn't the two femmes that went after Leo)

(It was me!)

(Silver was on the ground hysterically laughing)

(Firefly was saying, "Good job father, you taught him, can I be next to teach him?")

(That's my girl!)

* * *

Rule #117: Never test Sophie's skills with a weapon

(Poor Skids)

(He nearly got shot in the face)

(Well, he asked for it!)

(Sophie really is a mini me!)

(Now, Skids is weary of her)

(She taught him!)

* * *

Rule #118: When Peaches is sleeping in her human form, never awake her

(That is a mistake Bumblebee will never make again)

(Peaches chased after him in her pretender form)

(Around the whole base!)

(Sam had to save his own guardian!)

(The poor young bot)

* * *

Rule #119: Never start acting or talking like a decepticon

(Mudflap!)

(He actually pushed Firefly on the ground!)

(Followed by Silver!)

(The two femmes went charging after him)

(Followed by me and Bumblebee)

(Sliver and Firefly had him pinned to the ground)

(While me and Bumblebee handled the rest)

(The four of us make a very good team!)

* * *

Rule #120: When Ratchet is busy reading or working, never bother him repeatedly

(Tai wouldn't leave Ratchet alone)

(While Bumblebee was busy getting his vocal processor examined)

(She actually threw a 'water balloon' at Ratchet)

(Ratchet isn't pleasant when he's angry!)

(And believe me, I thought I was bad enough!)

* * *

**My End Note: Wow, that was a lot of rules! Thanks to everyone who reads and reviews, it's much appreciated! So, I hope you enjoyed this chapter and please review!**

**Rule Suggestions: Rule #109 was an idea from Metalstrike, Rule #'s 106 and 112 are ideas from fantasyaddict101, Rule #'s 108, 111, and 114 are ideas from MISCrasyaboutfanfics! **

**That's a lot of suggestions, thanks so much and keep them coming!**


	11. Chapter 11

**Title: **Ironhide's Guidelines to Living On Earth by xxIronhideForeverxx

**Rating T: **for some suggestive themes and some Cybertronian language

**Characters: **Ironhide and all of the autobots, including the OC characters shown below (From Ironhide's Point of View!)

**Disclaimer: **Firefly belongs to me, Silver belongs to SaphirePhoenix101, Tai belongs to Tatyanna Witwicky, Sophie belongs to ILoveIronhide, and Peaches belongs to MISCrasyaboutfanfics (If you have an OC that you want in this guideline story, just let me know!)

**Genre: **Sci-Fi/Humor

**Story Summary: **Cybertronians, you want to learn how to live on Earth with humans? Weapon specialist Ironhide can help you out! Ironhide has got some rules for you to follow, so enjoy!

* * *

**Chapter 11**

Rule #121: NEVER paint me hot pink!

(Skids and Mudflap!)

(Both of them painted me while I was recharging)

(When I woke, everyone heard my loud cursing)

(I taught those twins!)

(But they had 'blackmailed' the picture of me hot pink)

(Sophie wouldn't stop laughing)

(But in the end, I painted the twins hot pink!)

* * *

Rule #122: Never get Firefly angry

(She is just like me when she is angry)

(Which means one simple fact)

(Don't get her angry!)

(You will probably end up with a few dents and scratches)

* * *

Rule #123: When Jazz is listening to his music, never turn up your music louder than his

(Primus, Jazz was angry!)

(Leo got his lesson for the day)

(I was laughing hysterically)

(Along with the twins)

(I slapped them on the side of the head though)

* * *

Rule #124: Never start singing, "All the single ladies" when you see Firefly or Silver

(Yes, they may be single femmes)

(But that doesn't mean that you should start singing it)

(They will chase you around the base for a matter of hours)

(Just do what I say and don't start singing it!)

(I know both femmes better than you!)

* * *

Rule #125: If Peaches wants to sing at the human's "karaoke night" just let her!

(Sideswipe told her that Cybertronians cannot sing)

(Which I thought was true)

(After the incident with the twins)

(She proved us all wrong by singing "Party in the USA")

(That song irritates me beyond my temper line!)

(But yet, I'm impressed she broke the stereotype of us Cybertronians not being able to sing)

* * *

Rule #126: Never start singing "Party in USA" in my presence

(I believe I explained this one in the last rule)

* * *

Rule #127: Never interrupt me when I'm trying to speak

(Tai wouldn't stop interrupting my speech of discipline)

(I finally broke a circuit!)

(But she just continued to laugh and talk!)

(I finally began to yell at the top of my vocal processor)

(Sophie was actually covering her ears)

(Along with Firefly and Silver)

(Tai, well, she was a different story)

* * *

Rule #128: Never play 'dodge ball' inside the base

(Leo and Tai were having a dodge ball fight)

(It was actually very entertaining to watch)

(Although Optimus didn't think the same)

(In the end, the twins joined in)

(And that's when the chaos started)

(Well, I'll just end there)

* * *

Rule #129: What happens behind closed doors, stays behind closed doors!

(Leo accidently walked in on Optimus and Elita when they were having some "alone time")

(Jolt made the same mistake when he walked in on Chromia and I when we were also having some "alone time")

(And Jolt ended up in the med bay)

(It was a good thing Leo walked in on Optimus and not me)

(Optimus doesn't get angry like I do)

(Leo was lucky that time!)

* * *

Rule #130: Never allow Sam's rodent near my daughter

(I couldn't believe my optics!)

(That rodent lubricated on my own daughter!)

(Although to my surprise, she wasn't angry like I was)

(But I sure was!)

(Now, I have two reasons to have revenge!)

* * *

Rule #131: Sam and Mikaela are no longer allowed to "make out" on top of Bumblebee's vehicle mode

(Do I really need to explain this rule?)

* * *

Rule #132: Never let the twins near Annabelle

(The twins taught her some inappropriate things)

(I was not pleased!)

(Neither was Will or Sarah)

(Such things as Cybertronian language)

(The twins had a violent discussion with me)

(Involving my cannons!)

* * *

Rule #133: When me, Firefly, and Sophie are out in the training grounds, never bother us

(Do you really want cannons in your face?)

(I would think not!)

(Firefly and Sophie get just as angry as me)

(So don't bother us!)

* * *

Rule #134: Never get Peaches angry

(She tends to transform rapidly from her human form to her robot form when she's angry

(Or vice versa depending on what mode she is in at the time)

(Either way, she will get angry!)

(She pounded both Skids and Mudflap when they bothered her)

(I was very impressed at the damage she inflicted on them)

(And for once, I wasn't the one who pounded them)

* * *

Rule #135: No more of a human television show called "Lizzie McGuire"

(She does not have "multiple personalities")

(That cartoon counterpart is the voice of her thoughts!)

(Ratchet didn't even understand that!)

(So no else did either)

* * *

Rule #136: Never play a video game called "Mario kart" with the twins

(They will make the video game into something else)

(Such as a contest)

(And they will end up becoming serious about the game)

(So, I suggest to never play with them)

(Unless you want to be stuck inside a contest with them!)

(For days!)

* * *

**My End Note: I hope you liked all these rules, sorry I haven't updated this in a while, but I hope you enjoyed this chapter! Please review and thanks for reading, suggestions please!**

**Rule Suggestions: rule #'s 134, 135, 131, 129, and 125 are ideas from MISCrasyaboutfanfics, rule #121 was an idea from Mrs. Optimus Prime, and rule #124 was an idea I got from a review from B. B. Godzilla **

**Thanks again for reading**


	12. Chapter 12

**Title:** Ironhide's Guidelines to Living on Earth by xxIronhideForeverxx

**Rating T:** for some suggestive themes and some Cybertronian language

**Characters:** Ironhide and all of the autobots, including the OC characters shown below (From Ironhide's Point of View!)

**Disclaimer:** Firefly belongs to me, Silver belongs to SaphirePhoenix101, Tai belongs to Tatyanna Witwicky, Sophie belongs to ILoveIronhide, and Peaches belongs to MISCrasyaboutfanfics (If you have an OC that you want in this guideline story, just let me know!)

**Genre:** Sci-Fi/Humor

**Story Summary:** Cybertronians, you want to learn how to live on Earth with humans? Weapon specialist Ironhide can help you out! Ironhide has got some rules for you to follow, so enjoy!

* * *

**Chapter 12 **

Rule #137: Never watch '1,000 Ways to Die'

(This was a very wrong idea)

(After watching for only 10 minutes, both Optimus and Ratchet walked out of the room)

(They were horrified)

(I didn't understand why Leo found this show funny)

(What's so funny about going offline?)

(Nothing I say, nothing!)

* * *

Rule #138: Never allow humans to engage in a 'food fight'

(I walked into the human quarters and found everyone throwing food substances all over the place)

(I was not pleased!)

(Especially when Leo threw a substance called 'soup' all over my leg)

(After that, Leo regretted ever starting that fight)

(Because I chased him for a few hours)

(That glitch, I had to be washed over almost 15 times!)

(He's on the top of my death list!)

(But it's too bad I can't kill him!)

(Optimus won't let me!)

* * *

Rule #139: When Silver and Bumblebee are taking a walk, never spy on them

(Sunstreaker walked behind some trees to watch the two on their walk)

(But when both of them kissed, Sunstreaker made a 'aw' sound)

(Silver and Bumblebee were very alarmed when they found him hiding in the trees)

(But when Bumblebee found out that certain someone was Sunstreaker, he was livid!)

(I have never seen Bumblebee so angry!)

(Everyone laughed their afts off when they found out)

(Maybe some of the younger bots aren't glitched up after all)

* * *

Rule #140: I will no longer tow fifth-wheels, trailers, or anything else of that nature

(I was towing a large trailer filled with weapons when one of the twins cut me off)

(I was lucky not to skid out)

(But the trailer did)

(The fragging thing ran into a tree, causing the tree to topple over)

(This caused me to stop in my tracks)

(Everyone laughed when I tried to pull the trailer out, but had no luck)

(But, I was too busy cursing out the twins)

(And firing my cannons at them)

(They drove off screaming)

(It serves them right!)

* * *

Rule #141: Never mention how Megatron killed Sam in front of Sam

(Sam gets a mental breakdown)

(And begins to imagine visions of the Primes)

(I couldn't believe that!)

(That's the strangest thing I have ever heard!)

(But Sam was taken to the med bay)

(After I demanded he have a body scan!)

* * *

Rule #142: Never spray liquid at me

(Tai, Sam, and Leo were having a 'water fight')

(And when Leo ran by me, he yelled, "Whoever can shoot Ironhide in the face, earns the title of champion!")

(And that's what happened)

(All three of them sprayed me in the face!)

(In the fragging face!)

(After that, you know what happens)

(My cannons bring fear to everyone!)

* * *

Rule #143: Never try and get me to dance

(I will never dance!)

(Not even when I'm offline!)

(Firefly helped me out on this one)

(She told everyone to just leave me alone)

(But Leo didn't listen to her)

(He asked me over and over if I could dance)

(I said "No" almost 20 times without stopping!)

(Until I left the room, still saying "No!"

* * *

Rule #144: Peaches is no longer allowed to have Pepsi

(She climbed on top of the base singing, "The Climb" by Miley Cyrus)

(What have I told everyone about Miley Cryus songs?)

(They give me processor aches!)

(This was very annoying, not to mention dangerous!)

(She was lucky she didn't topple off of the roof!)

* * *

Rule #145: Peaches is no longer allowed to sing Miley Cryus songs in my presence

(I was very tempted to pound her!)

(But instead, she got angry with me!)

(She did more damage to me!)

(I now have a restraining order)

(What's with that?)

(I'm a good bot!)

(Most of the time)

* * *

Rule #146: When training, never stand in my way

(I was trying to aim practice when Skids stepped in front of me)

(He wouldn't move the frag out of my way!)

(Every time I moved, he moved)

(He kept talking to me about how much his brother annoys him)

(Why do I care about that?)

(I already know Mudflap is annoying!)

(No need to interrupt my training to tell me something I already know since the day I was onlined!)

* * *

Rule #147: Never create a Facebook account for one of us bots

(Leo created an account for me!)

(Why on Cybertron would I want a Facebook account?)

(He posted some pictures of my holoform)

(And I recieved 30 responses from femmes saying how much they 'loved' my pictures)

(Some even called me 'hot!')

(How do they know I'm hot?)

(Cybertronians don't get hot!)

* * *

Rule #148: When Sophie is recharging, never hide her weapons

(This is such an idiotic idea!)

(Sam, her own sibling hid them from her!)

(So much for brother and sisterly love)

(Sophie was very angry with Sam)

(Sam doesn't understand that weapons are very imporant to Sophie and I)

(Firefly also cares very much about her weapons)

(So, don't get any idiotic ideas anymore!)

(That means you Leo!)

* * *

Rule #149: Never shout "Fire, fire!" unless you really mean it

(Miles was visiting the base again)

(And when I blasted a target with my cannons, he thought I started a fire)

(I don't start fires!)

(Unless the fire is consuming the decepticon base)

(Then, I'd be glad to start a fire)

(But Miles was again sent home)

(There is something wrong with him!)

* * *

**My End Note: Sorry I haven't updated this story in so long, but here it is, the next chapter filled with Ironhide's glory! I hope everyone is still following this story and please review, thanks!**

**Rule Suggestions: Rule #140 was an idea from ILoveIronhide, rule #143 was an idea from Catalyst Spark, and rules #144 and #145 are ideas from MISCrasyaboutfanfics **

**Thanks for your ideas and please give me some more suggestions, thank you!**


	13. Chapter 13

**Title: **Ironhide's Guidelines to Living On Earth by xxIronhideForeverxx

**Rating T: **for some suggestive themes and some Cybertronian language

**Characters: **Ironhide and all of the autobots, including the OC characters shown below (From Ironhide's Point of View!)

**Disclaimer: **Firefly belongs to me, Silver belongs to SaphirePhoenix101, Tai belongs to Tatyanna Witwicky, Sophie belongs to ILoveIronhide, and Peaches belongs to MISCrasyaboutfanfics (If you have an OC that you want in this guideline story, just let me know!) **And now, there is a new OC in my story named Jaacs, she belongs to Jaacs McHenry. **

**Genre: **Sci-Fi/Humor

**Story Summary: **Cybertronians, you want to learn how to live on Earth with humans? Weapon specialist Ironhide can help you out! Ironhide has got some rules for you to follow, so enjoy!

* * *

**Chapter 13**

Rule #150: Never allow the humans and the twins to engage in a 'snowball fight'

(Leo and Sam challenged Skids and Mudflap to a fight with 'snowballs')

(The twins accepted)

(And when I walked outside to check the outside temperature, my optics became very wide)

(The two boys were drenched with 'snow' from top to bottom)

(They were both violently shivering as the twins evilly laughed)

(And for once, I couldn't help but laugh)

(It was rather humorous!)

(Until Mudflap threw a 'snowball' right at my face!)

(It hit me square in the optic!)

(You should now know what happens next)

(And 'snowball fights' are now banned because of my frozen optic!)

* * *

Rule #151: Never and I mean never boss me around

(Leo kept telling me to "go fix the television")

(Who gave him the right to boss me around?)

(No one!)

(I've about had it with that boy!)

(Believe me, one day, I will get my revenge on whomever has driven me to my thinnest point!)

* * *

Rule #152: Peaches is no longer allowed out with her boyfriend unless it's a Saturday night

(Considering Sideways is a decepticon, Jazz is starting to think Peaches is a traitor)

(And he doesn't usually say that out loud to anyone)

(But because of Megatron offlining him once before, Jazz has a strong hate for decepticons)

(Even though he disliked decepticons before he was temporary offlined)

(But everyone else knows she's not a traitor)

(Jazz just has his grudges against Megatron and his followers)

(But, who can blame him?)

* * *

Rule #153: Never ask me to 'carpool' for a college field trip involving Sam and Leo

(I will never EVER 'carpool' again!)

(The five teenagers inside my cab got themselves drunk on 'alcohol!')

(And that's when the trouble started)

(I eventually kicked them out of my cab and dumped them on the side of a highway)

(I tell you, teenage humans need to learn respect!)

(But the twins never learned respect)

(So I doubt that will ever happen)

* * *

Rule #154: No one is allowed to ask Peache's boyfriend, Sideways, how he survived being cut in half by Sideswipe

(Let's just say she'll chase you for a few hours)

(And probably become "your worst nightmare")

(But that's my motive!)

(I'm already Sam's rodent's worst nightmare!)

(And Peaches recently became Leo's worst nightmare)

(We could become a great team!)

* * *

Rule #155: Never begin to annoy Jaacs

(Ratchet is teaching her how to throw wrenches with great accuracy and force)

(I still have fragging dents in my head!)

(The twins had it worse though)

(But they deserved it!)

(And I thought Ratchet was bad enough!)

(Apparently, I was wrong)

* * *

Rule #156: Never try to guess my age right in front of me

(Leo and Tai were speaking to each other about the autobots' ages)

(And eventually, their conversation changed to where they spoke about me!)

(They kept on guessing my age when I was sitting right there!)

(There first guess on my age, "One million years old")

(That was enough to drive me up the fragging wall!)

(But with Prime sitting close by, I couldn't do anything about it)

(I will and I mean will get my revenge!)

(And for your information, I am NOT one million years old!)

* * *

Rule #157: Never allow humans to 'paint' in the recreation room

(Annabelle had brought her art supplies along with her when she visited the base)

(I should have concerned Sarah Lennox before she came)

(Because when I walked into the recreation room, all I saw was pink!)

(Pink was EVERYWHERE!)

(I didn't get angry with Annabelle, she's just a sparkling)

(She doesn't know any better)

(But when Leo painted my room blue, I completely lost it!)

(He's not a sparkling, he should know better!)

(And with a huge age difference, you can tell Leo is completely immature!)

(As everyone else already knows)

(Or should know)

* * *

Rule #158: Never insult the singer, 'Rihanna' when Sam is present

(Sam seems to enjoy her 'interesting' music)

(And when I told everyone how irritating her voice was, Sam surprisingly lashed out at me)

(Only verbally, he couldn't harm me even if he tried)

(Tai also doesn't appreciate insults of her favorite singers)

(So I suggest all humans as well as autobots never insult human singers around their fans)

(Some strange things will occur)

(Believe me!)

* * *

Rule #159: While watching human sports with Leo, always make sure you support his favorite team, the New York 'Mets'

(If you try to support the other New York team called the 'Yankees,' Leo will become very angry with you)

(Tai will even tell you that)

(Milkes supported the 'Yankees' while watching a certain baseball game between the two teams)

(And let me just say, Leo, surprisingly can get very violent)

(But it's over the most immature reason!)

(Both teams are from New York, what does it matter?)

(But apparently to a lot of humans, it does matter!)

* * *

Rule #160: No one is allowed to play songs from a singer called, 'Ke$ha'

(Her voice is even more irritating than Miley Cyrus's!)

(Especially when she sings a song called, "Tick Tock")

(I don't understand how anyone can enjoy her music!)

(But remember my other rule about 'never insulting singers in front of the humans')

(It's a warning for all of you!)

(And Peaches never stops singing the song, "Your Love is My Drug" to Sideways!)

(And it's getting very irritating!)

(Even if it does describe the way she feels about him)

* * *

Rule #161: Never ask Sophie to read my processor thoughts to you

(She can read my processor, but she won't give away my personal feelings)

(Feelings are feelings and they shall be treated with respect!)

(Well, mine deserve respect anyway)

(And Sophie knows this well)

(So don't asking her to read my thoughts)

(It will be a straight out 'no' and she will eventually tell me who asked this paticular question)

(And of course, I'll go after the poor soul who wants to read my thoughts)

(It will not end well for them)

* * *

Rule #162: When Sideswipe and Firefly are together in the training room, never watch them from a distance

(Firefly doesn't appreciate other 'bots spying on her and Sideswipe)

(Just because they are together, doesn't mean you can watch them from a distance!)

(But of course, I'm allowed to)

(For reasons, you should know)

(I'm her father, that's the only reason that is acceptable)

(But if you aren't related to my daughter, get lost!)

(Because I will become "your worst nightmare")

(Believe me!)

* * *

**My End Note: How was this chapter? Funny? Boring? Let me know in your reviews and please, give me some rule ideas, I'm starting to run low on them, so every idea is appreciated! Thank you for reading and please review!**

**Rule Suggestions: Rule #'s 152, 154, and 160 are ideas from MISCrasyaboutfanfics, rule #158 was an idea from jameron4eva, and rule #155 was an idea from Jaacs McHenry**

**Thank you for the suggestions and since I'm running low on ideas, please help me out and suggest some, thank you so much!**


	14. THE HALLOWEEN SPECIAL!

**Title: **Ironhide's Guidelines to Living On Earth by xxIronhideForeverxx

**Rating T: **for some suggestive themes and some Cybertronian language

**Characters: **Ironhide and all of the autobots, including the OC characters shown below (From Ironhide's Point of View!)

**Disclaimer: **Firefly belongs to me, Silver belongs to SaphirePhoenix101 **(now EverlastingLife)**, Tai belongs to Tatyanna Witwicky, Sophie belongs to ILoveIronhide, and Peaches belongs to MISCrasyaboutfanfics (If you have an OC that you want in this guideline story, just let me know!) **And now, there are new OCs in my story named Jaacs, she belongs to Jaacs McHenry, and Patricia, she belongs to Na'vi girl. **

**Genre: **Sci-Fi/Humor

**Story Summary: **Cybertronians, you want to learn how to live on Earth with humans? Weapon specialist Ironhide can help you out! Ironhide has got some rules for you to follow, so enjoy!

* * *

**Chapter 14: THE HALLOWEEN SPECIAL!**

Rule #163: Never dress up as a decepticon for Halloween

(Sideswipe thought it'd be funny to dress up as Megatron)

(Sam... he thought differently...)

(The moment he saw Sideswipe, he ran straight off of the base)

(No one could find him for hours)

(I hate to admit it, but that was hilarious!)

(Don't tell ANYONE I said that!)

* * *

Rule #164: If any human sparklings come to the base looking for sugar, do not frighten them by presenting your robot form to them, saying it's your 'Halloween costume'

(Two young femme sparklings came to our base, looking for 'candy')

(I decided that maybe human sparklings weren't so bad as the immature adults and teenagers...)

(So, I used my human form to hand out 'candy' to them)

(But, Skids thought it'd be a funny prank to chase them off while in his true form)

(And let me tell you, I never thought Skids was so fragging stupid!)

(The poor sparklings ran off the base, screaming...)

(My auto receptors still ache...)

(Skids has got to learn to leave sparklings the frag alone!)

(He's already on my death list for frightening Annabelle several times!)

* * *

Rule #165: For every human on the base, never eat too much 'candy', Ratchet will become your worst nightmare!

(Leo decided it'd be a brillant idea to eat all of his 'candy' on a single night)

(That was such a stupid idea if I do say so myself!)

(Patricia thought'd he have a heart attack from the amount of sugar he had)

(I was wondering if he was going to explode...)

(Tai, for once, didn't eat all of her 'candy', which was surprising...)

(But, when ratchet gave all of the humans their weekly 'check-up', Leo was as sick as sick could get)

(I was afraid he would 'vomit' substances on me again, so I went no where near him for days...)

(Ratchet was beyond furious when he found out Leo ate all of his 'candy' in one night)

(The boy deserved Ratchet's fury...)

(No one besides Leo is THAT stupid to eat too much sugar in only a few hours...)

* * *

Rule #166: If you ever think of wearing a costume with a mask, let the older 'bots on the base know first

(Sam came to the base with a costume that showed no signs that it was indeed him)

(His own sister, Sophie didn't even regonize him...)

(But when I came in and saw the 'suspicious person', I brought out my cannons in a single mirco second)

(Don't blame me for his mistake!)

(I was only protecting the base's contents by frightening Sam off when I thought he was a non-authorized human)

(He came back about an hour later)

(Primus, I was so angry when the twins began teasing me about it!)

(But thankfully, Firefly and Chromia stood up for me)

(I just love my femmes!)

(But I fragging hate those twins!)

* * *

Rule #167: When outside on Halloween night under a full Earth moon, never begin to tell stories of the decepticons back on Cybertron

(Sunstreaker and Sideswipe began to tell the story of Barricade)

(Thankfully, Leo ran off the moment he heard Barricade's name...)

(Thank Primus I didn't have to hear his nonsense during the story!)

(Continuing, Sunstreaker and Sideswipe told Sam, Mikaela, and Miles about how Barricade became the feared decepticon hunter of Cybertron)

(Firefly and Silver decided to listen as well)

(After a few minutes when the gruesome part of the story came along, Mikaela began screaming...)

(That femme always finds a way to make my processor ache!)

(But, Barricade did accomplish very gruesome tasks in his career...)

(Soon by the end of the story, all of the humans were screaming and grasping onto each other)

(Firefly and Silver began laughing at the humans' responses)

(I had to laugh as well)

(They're face expressions were priceless!)

(But, since Barricade is an autobot now, I really suggest you no longer talk about his past)

(He hates it and he will become your worst nightmare!)

(He may be an autobot, but he still has his decepticon personality)

* * *

Rule #168: Never begin to tell Annabelle 'ghost stories'

(Miles thought it'd be funny to frighten poor Annabelle while 'trick-or-treating')

(The sparkling no longer wanted to retrieve any candy because of that foolish boy!)

(I delt with him well after that!)

(I believe he won't be coming back for any more Halloweens on the base)

(My work is done... for now...)

(Now, just to chase him off during Chirstmas...)

* * *

Rule #169: Never dress up in a costume that looks like me without my permission!

(Tai had created Leo a costume that looks exactly like me)

(So, Leo decided to wear it...)

(But when I saw him, I was beyond angry...)

(He did not ask my permission!)

(At least Sam got permission from Bumblebee to dress up like him)

(He immeadiatley changed his costume when I threatened him with my cannons)

(It works everytime!)

(Now, where's Tai...)

* * *

Rule #170: During every halloween, always make sure Ratchet or Jaacs approves your costume before you wear it

(Many of the humans dressed up with costumes that were not approved by Hatchet or by Jaacs)

(Peaches dressed like her boyfriend, Sideways)

(And Tai dressed up like Barricade)

(Of course, these contumes were not approved!)

(The femmes didn't want to get in trouble with Ratchet for dressing up as decepticons!)

(They're weren't lucky, however that I found them before Optimus did...)

(I sent them to Ratchet and Jaacs)

(And Hatchet and Jaacs handled the situation after that)

(Just like a past rule, don't dress up as a decepticon!)

(It will affect my tolerance for you!)

* * *

**My End Note: I know this is a late Halloween special and I abologize for that, please don't kill me xD I know this was also short, but I hope it at least got you laughing somewhat. So, please review and tell me what you thought of this chapter, I'm thinking of doing these specials for each holiday! **

**Oh and by the way, if you gave me rule ideas from the last chapter, they will be put into the next chapter, chapter 15, so please don't think I abondoned your ideas, I will get to them in the next chapter, thank you! Also, I'm sorry if I'm not using your OC as much, I'm tyring my hardest to make sure each OC character has the same amount of apperance time as the other, but I have no many OC characters, it's hard. So, please, don't get mad at me, I'm trying my best and you will see you OC a lot more after this chapter, thank you! **


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